The first day: A mother's perspective.

November 2003... Found out I was pregnant. I was an emotional wreck. I had a pretty 'easy' pregnancy... hardly ever sick. But my emotions were even more crazy than when I was a teen! Every little ache or pain, I'd call my doctor... it was paranoia at its best. Or maybe its just the first pregnancy. Then there were the cravings...

[Craved McDonalds cheeseburgers. I had 8 for lunch. I was over 200 lbs when I delivered. Seriously, cheeseburgers do that to you... especially when you can eat 20 a day... Thankfully, 80 lbs of cheeseburgers came off during the course of the next year. Then came Amy... Im still working on the three musketeers bars and diet pepsi.]

But the one thing I dreaded... was the day she turned five. The time when she would be old enough to go to school. Her first birthday... I thought 4 more years... thats a long time right?? Wrong. I remember when she started preschool... I thought... I'll be sending her to Kindergarten in two years. That really felt like yesterday. Then all of a sudden... it got closer. I was trying so hard to stop time, to not think about it. But it came. I didnt let her know I was sad to see her go. I talked it up as much as I could. I wanted her to be excited. Even if I wasnt.

And so we walked out the door. Took some pictures on the stairs. I was doing really well. I didnt think I'd even cry. (Because... I hate crying. And I forgot my waterproof mascara and eyeliner. I ended up channeling my inner raccoon before I was done with the day.) When we got to the school... Aly was getting pretty excited.







Then they made the kiddos line up outside the school. Aly got in her little line... she started to look a little scared. Before I knew it, the kiddos were marching into the school with their teacher. I watched her till she disappeared around the corner. Her over sized backpack on her tiny little frame. Then they came. They. The tears. But... there were people standing around. And I forgot my sunglasses. So I started to furiously blink. Go away, stupid tears.

Amy... stands in front of the doors... she said she was going to wait for Aly. I tried to tell her it would be three whole (long) hours until we could get her. And we walked home. Just us two. When only 20 minutes ago it was three. All the while, silent tears slipped down my cheeks.





(amys shoes... going home...)


And we get to do this again tomorrow.

I do want Aly to be her own person, to grow, be independent... but I think that a part of me wants them to stay little. I still want her to need me. I want to scoop her up when she is hurt, or hug her in the middle of the night- after a bad dream. The hugs, kisses, the days when life is still full of imagination and wonder... I dont want it to end.

No matter how big you get... I'll always be your mommy. My dear Aly, I love you.